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Here are answers to some questions that have been sent.
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Q1: I am REALLY interested in your search and your awakening. Can you tell me about it? Q2: My search did go on although I had an understanding that the search was futile. Why? Q7: If this is it, why can I not recognize this now? Q1: I am REALLY interested in your search and your
awakening. Can you tell me about it? http://www.human-life.de/fake.htm . But even with the danger of repeating myself: After an awakening experience which was like a bomb of bliss, this bliss faded away. Before that I had never read anything about this enlightenment shit. But after this awakening I became obsessed with getting into this blissful state on a continuing basis :-) I probably bought and read hundreds of books (Alan Watts, Krishnamurti, Zen, .... very late than Ramana, Nisargadatta and Tony Parsons). I could not stop reading. I started to try out mediation and some Zen meditation. I was literally talking and breathing this shit for probably 5 years or so. Annoyingly trying to show everybody that I knew something they did not. I was in 4-5 six forums at the same time arguing with people about how much I did understand and they did not. But the search for happiness probably started when I first thought of myself as being a person at age 2-3. Isolated. Separated. I had that separate feeling since I can remember. Being separated and isolated. Although I was a humorous guy, was making music as a guitar player, was an amateur actor and had a wide circle of friends. Still deep down I deeply felt alone and isolated. In the very end I stopped reading all books, I reduced the time in the forums and I realized that searching itself was keeping me from seeing this. But I could not stop the search. There was still deep within doubt and the feeling of not being at home. I was completely frustrated. It felt completely hopeless. But still I could not stop going to Meetings/Satsangs (mainly Tony Parsons, Karl Renz). I mean I understood every word that they said, but being home was not were I felt I was. And then after another year almost very quietly very much in contrast to the big bang of awakening six years ago. The search stopped. I was so surprised; I even have a very short notice in my diary (that I keep irregularly). "seeking ended. This is it." There is an understanding beyond any doubt that this is IT. This is all there is. Q2: My search did go on although I had an understanding that the search was futile. Why? A: I can relate to what you are saying. There was a time where there was a complete intellectual understanding plus I had my awakening experience and I knew that the search was futile. But why did I still search? Why did this whole thing not end? It seems because there was still a person, still "ME" who did understand that the search is futile. But then again why did the search end later on? I honestly do not know. It came surprisingly and very subtle. But it was total clear. That was it. Over. And I am pretty sure: No one, and I mean No single teacher, in the world can tell you why the search ends for some and for others not. But it does not matter. You are what I am, what we are: Love, Oneness, Wholeness, Beauty and Freedom. That is eternal. Q3: But there seems to be this ‘apparent me’ that seem to not want to ‘let go.’ And it is frustrating. A: This apparent "me" will never let go. It will never disappear forever. What will happen (I do not know when is the "time" for "you") is that it will be seen that this is just an appearance, coming and going. It will be seen that it has no substance. "Me" is a thinking pattern, which comes and goes. Many times of the day it is not even there. When you slip and fall down, when you jump suddenly when a car comes to close ... The "Me" is not constant, never was. There is just the belief that you are the "ME". Now you may have the belief (I do not know) that it has to disappear. It will not. It can only be seen that it is a play of oneness, appearing and disappearing. Q4: Can you walk me through as to how to let go in order to ‘see through” this apparent me and the illusion or dream? A: There are two answers to this. First: Try every method until there is so much frustration that seeking will be given up. Even "not-trying a method" is still a method. And believe me there are many poor advaita-krishnamurti-guru-followers who are caught in that trap. I was for years. When practicing the "try no-method"-method there is still a hope that a big prize will be won. Some image of great relief and never ending-bliss. Every method has its purpose. The purpose is that it will be given up because it is futile. Complete hopelessness is what will bring the end of seeking "the end of the dream". Second: I can not walk you through. It is futile. You will not see this. It will be done for you. You will try (with all pain and frustration) until it will be seen. There is no way out for you. You never had a choice. It will happen when the time is right. Q5: What is it that I need to notice? I have read a number of books and yet intellectually I can resonate with what is being said, still it is not sinking in by this apparent no-one. A: You need not to notice anything. You can not notice it. It will be seen (by no-one or oneness which you really are) that: This is it. There is nothing more than this. No special bliss. No special powers. However once that is seen, the energy that is being put into maintaining the belief in a "me" is free. This is freedom. Freedom from belief, purpose, hope, fear surrounding the "little drama and story of me" Q6: How do you look or investigate this so-called me? I understand intellectually there is no method, technique or how, so to speak, but there is ‘doing’ on some level, is there not, in order for the understanding to take place. A: Doing will happen. You have never done anything. However, there are many methods of investigating. And they will bring a temporary relief. (The Work from Byron Katie, Ramanas stuff etc.). But the end of seeking, the end of believing in "me" will come surprisingly and unexpected. You will then see that no-method, no practice has brought you there. You were always there. Always. You are this now, just not seeing it. Q7: If this is it, why can I not recognize this now? A: The question "why can I not recognize this now" is IT. Your frustration is enlightenment, your questions are enlightenment, and all of this is IT. There is nothing beyond IT. Q8: Obviously, my beliefs are in the way (especially of a me), so help me to see through the beliefs and illusion. I have been trying (?) to see that before I seen any object there is the objective space or emptiness that contains all appearances, and I am that. But it does not sink in. A: Well your sentence I have been trying to see that there is emptiness that contains all appearances. I remember I was also trying to see the emptiness in everything :-) This is all emptiness appearing as everything. It does not contain it. It is IT. Emptiness and appearance are one. Constantly appearing and happening. Only now. There are always some first clues or methods that one will use to actually break into the automatic flow of thoughts and the typical identification with them. But it sounds like you are past that. Anyway some fun games to try: 1) One is to try to watch your thoughts. Is this even possible? Can you watch a though? If yes, who watches that? Are the watching and the thought happening at the same time or not? 2) Can you find any evidence that "You are" except in thoughts and feelings? 3) When does a thought starts, when does it end? Can you pinpoint the exact time? 4) If there is an "observer" observing appearances? Who is that observer? Is he/she there all the time? 5) Are you sure that the decision to be standing in front if this screen reading was made by you? Who or what had an influence on that "decision"? A: No need to worry. If you are frustrated than that is exactly what is needed right now. And if it does not feel like that, if you are determined to believe that frustration is not what I want right now. Even that is what is needed in liberation.
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2006 written by Tan