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The story of a "fake

Born to become a "fake"

I was born and raised with love. Parents trying their best as much as they were able to do. And at some point, at a certain age I remember believing very firmly in this person that I was apparently growing up to become.

A person, an individual, with a name, with a history and with high hopes and fears about the future. Goals to achieve, things to do, to make my life, to make the life of this apparent person work. So I went off to learn, to study, to get my degrees. I got many jobs, earned a lot of money, was successful, got promoted. I had become a successful manager, a successful professional. I found a caring woman to love and to build a family with.
A perfect picture as I had always imagined.

I had achieved all of that which seemed to be the common answer for "owning" happiness:
I had money, a career, a loving partner, a caring family. I was successful.

But something was always missing during all these years, something that was still needed to feel at home, to feel right, to feel whole. Never was peace in the core of my being, never harmony deep down. Something deep inside was always telling me: "You pretend to be something, that you are not. You are a fake."

So the days went by -one by one-, although filled with laughter and fun and challenges  - always with a dark cloud -of not feeling at home- overshadowing my life. Occasionaly I would read a book on happiness and how to manage my life and my career. The typical business executives books.


But one morning while having breakfast in the kitchen and holding a cup of tea, something happened. I was reading a book and two words created a change that I would now term as being the "Awakening". The words I read were: "Live Now".

But the words do not matter since I had read or heard them many many times before. But it seems that now, they were really heard for the first time. What happened seemed to be like an earthquake shattering the construct of what I had believed to be my life. For the very first time I saw the beauty of the cup that I was holding in my hand. I recognized the beauty of table that was in front of me. It seemed as if I saw the world for the very first time as it really was:.
Clear, fresh, beautiful, innocent, full of love.

The dark cloud which was overshadowing my life was lifted for a while. Heaven on earth. Peaceful. This state of total bliss seemed to stay intensely for two weeks until it slowly faded away over the next six months. The next five years were spent reading thousands of books on spiritual paths and meeting many teachers of various ways. From taoism, zen to advaita. Meditation, self inquiry, satsangs, meetings of all kinds. I wanted to get back to this blissful state as often as possible and stay in there forever.  In this state without an individual. In the end I did understand that seeking itself was what prevented me from reaching this. But it was futile.

There was still an individual there. It was still "I" who did understand this. There was nothing that I could do to change that. Absolute nothing that I could do.
It was a total failure. It was hopeless.

Ending of seeking

After another year suddenly, surprisingly and very quietly seeking ended. No one did anything. Seeking just simply ended. There is no longer a seeker who is hoping to find something. No longer the belief in a person who is doing things. No longer the feeling that something is missing. Being at home is what is constant. Living in peace is what is now. And it is obvious that this peace is what always was there and will be there.
This is what we are, this is what is.


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2006 written by Tan